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We have received a large number of e-mails since last semester. By large, we mean an average of 10 per day. These come from all over the country and even include gems from occasional international senders, such as pharmacists from Canada. The truth is, we don't even know if these are coming from U students. If they are, well, you all have some serious insecurity, dependency and in-the-money issues. We have chosen to highlight the issues of most concern from last week's received e-mails, which come to a whopping total of 786. Surprisingly, they all turned up in a folder titled "Spam."
Dear He Says, She Says,
I go to the gym regularly, and recently I've found a new workout buddy, Dr. Delores. She's like a trainer. She knows the ins and outs of every workout routine, and she's great outside the 3-point line on the basketball court. Lately she's been reinforcing insecurities of mine. Last week, she said the other girls laughed at my "trouser mouse." I've found a machine online that promises to solve my problems and make girls adore me all in one fell swoop. Should I really go through with it? Will chicks really like me?
Sincerely, Hot Nights Guaranteed for Well-Hung Dudes
She Says: Seeing as you're already well versed in pumping up the musculature of your body, this machine doesn't seem any more out of your league than the women you're looking to snag by using it. Just don't add steroids to the mix. I hear they take away from your total package.
He Says: Hot Nights, you got yourself a killer scene, man. I wish I had the gumption to drag myself to the gym, hit the courts and pump metal. You're doing enough for your body, so don't go putting any body part into a machine you ordered off of the Internet. The Internet can't make chicks like you -- look at all those people on WoW.
Dear He Says, She Says,
I pride myself in being the best. Truth is, I can't take it anymore. I have a girl friend who swears by mail order prescription Canadian drugs. I actually received a solicitation in my inbox from the "No. 1 Professional USA Pharmacy," and I think it might help me keep up. Have you heard of them? I just want to have a healthier family.
Sincerely, The Medicine Shoppe
She Says: Miss Meds, you sound strung out. Although some comforting Xanax or Ambien might serve as your temporary coping strategy, it's not going to last. Then again, this No. 1 pharmacy might have no limit on refills, but that will just lead to one more thing you'll need to feed. Take a lesson from your kids' D.A.R.E program and just say "No."
He Says: We get a lot of the same e-mails, Shoppe. Don't buy into their gimmicks. Things don't work like that in the states unless you're on the inside or packing heat. No. 1 isn't going to solve anything. Take care of yourself.
Dear He Says, She Says,
I have a gambling problem, and I keep getting e-mails telling me I have free money waiting for me at casinos across the nation. I give them all the information they ask for, but they never seem to deliver the vouchers. I just keep getting these damn collection agencies instead. Yesterday, I was notified I'd been selected to win $999, and I don't think I'll ever get to gamble with a cent of it at this point. Is patience the virtue?
Sincerely, Join our New VIP Casino
He Says: Wait it out, VIP. That free money is in the mail, brother. I've got a cool million euros waiting for me in Wales when I hop the pond. Your patience will pay off.
She Says: I'm sorry to break down the walls of your fantasy world, but that money is about as real as centaurs. You've been scammed, and chances are pretty good that someone in the real world is masquerading in their own fantasy world with your stolen identity as the main character. Cancel your credit cards and pray to the centaur gods -- you're gonna need their help.
Editor's Note: If you have a question not related to spam, send queries to our advice specialists at advice@chronicle.utah.edu. Gracious monetary and low-mortgage reduction offers also gladly accepted.
advice@chronicle.utah.edu a.gregory@chronicle.utah.edu c.norlen@chronicle.utah.edu
