The wind, clouds, air, water, heat and cold of the state of Utah were rounded up by state policemen late in the day on Wednesday and committed to the Utah State Hospital -- the state's mental institution -- in order to begin a treatment program for what the state police described in a statement as "erratic, wildly destructive and nonsensical behavior."
Local leaders were quick to respond. The governor's office issued a press release shortly after the police roundup was concluded, applauding the police for their "professional, swift and decisive action on behalf of the people of Utah." Meteorologists at the University of Utah expressed dismay at the damage the weather's incarceration will do to their research, but acknowledged the necessity of curbing the weather in the pursuit of public safety. Professor Franklin Holmes of the U's meteorology department said, "The weather's crazy as hell. I wore shorts to work on Tuesday and it was snowing a few hours later. The governor called me up and asked me what we should do about it, and I said 'Jon, sic 'em.'"
The roundup took place in Salt Lake City, where the weather problems have been most acute, but smaller actions took place in Lehi, St. George and also in Ogden. Police across the state were put on "high alert" to forestall the possibility of the weather making a break for the Nevada or Colorado borders, as it did in 2005 when state police also made an attempt to round it up. This time state police commissioner Dan Brown said, "We've learned from the mistakes of the past, and we cast a far wider net this time."
The reason for the roundup, now as in 2005, was cited by the police as the "highly irregular and dangerous behavior of Utah weather over the past several weeks." Commissioner Brown said that Monday and Tuesday of this week, in particular, provided sterling evidence of the "ungluing," as he put it, of the weather. On those two days, the weather underwent dramatic shifts. Monday saw temperatures in the mid-70s along with clear skies, and Tuesday around noon, it began snowing and did not let up for several hours. "That was the last straw for me," commissioner Brown said. "After that, I asked the Utah State Hospital to make some room available and began the process."
The treatment the weather will receive at the Utah State Hospital has not been released to the public, but mental health experts predict that the weather will be subjected to intense psychological examination to determine its exact ailments. The weather will then be shepherded through a comprehensive program incorporating counseling, medicine and skills training to prepare the weather for life outside the hospital. Experts predict the entire program, start-to-finish, could take months.
Not every citizen is enthralled with the possibility of the weather being sequestered away for a long period of time. Farmers depending on the spring rains have lodged a protest with the governor, and atmospheric-rights activists have petitioned for the wind and rain to be freed. James Coleman, of the Utah chapter of Friends of the Wind, said, "The illegal imprisonment of the weather establishes a dangerous precedent of disrespecting the civil rights of Mother Nature. The Nazis rounded up rain squalls and thunderbolts and put them in death camps, and we are traveling down that same road with this monstrous, illegal incarceration."
Despite protests, the weather is likely to remain locked up until early May at the very least, according to a spokesman for the State Hospital. During that time, weather from neighboring states will most likely step in and provide pleasant breezes and clear skies until the treatment has run its course.
o.archibald@chronicle.utah.edu
