July 13
Wednesday
Dragged down by disappointing summer movies? Angry that (SPOILER ALERT!) "War of the Worlds" kept the same old boring ending as the original? Well, here comes the knight in shining Calendar to take you out of your doldrums! We've combed the 99-cent bin at Smith's to bring you the undiscovered gems of film; movies so brilliant, only cheap moms with ADHD children will buy them.
From the mind of Renny Harlin comes the drenched horror spectacular Aquabats (@ In the Venue $15, 7 p.m.). With the tagline: "Dolphins now have an enemy in the underwater sonar wars," you can't go wrong with gilled pseudo-rodents fighting with porpoises for the title of top echo-locater, all with a group of stranded deep-sea plankton fishermen caught in the middle.
Action movies not up your alley? How about a prim, artsy Ukranian drama? Devotchka (@ Ego's $12, 8 p.m.), Russian for "Devoted Vodka," follows a young alcoholic woman who falls in love with her building super. Unfortunately, she falls down the stairs and becomes an invalid and thus is relegated to staring out at the squalid city from her cramped room for the last two hours of the show. But oh, the nuances of her gaze!
Have you ever wondered what it's like to be stranded on an alien world where there is no sound? Dulcie Younger and The Silencers (@ Burt's Tiki Lounge $8, 9:30 p.m.) stars Kris Kristofferson as Col. Younger, who's space pod crashes on Silencia, a planet devoid of any vibration. He must figure out a way to convey a voice message back to his rescuers at NASA, all while fending off the evil Silencers. This movie is quite popular in multilingual theaters.
Abyssinians (@ Velvet Room, $17, 7:30 p.m.) was meant to be a dark fright fest, but oddly turns into a farcical musical when the razor-mouthed Abyss lurkers start singing about starry nights and daffodils. It doesn't make much sense, but at least you get to see Dom DeLuise in drag.
Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband (@ Gallivan Center 7 p.m., free) is a heartwarming tale of a boy and his best friend-a serial killer who's soul happens to be trapped in a rubber band. As the killer grows dry and less stretchy, Ryan teaches it that there is more to life than flicking people in the forehead. Have tissues ready for the "snappy" ending.
Let's take a break from movies for a second and talk about the latest and greatest reality TV show. Dueling Pianos (@ Tavernacle, 9 p.m.) casts two "regular guys," who are both given an endless supply of pianos. The one who kills the other first by dropping the piano on his head is the winner. It may be simple, but it sure is fun to watch someone try to sneak a piano into the roof of an elevator.
July 14
Thursday
Sequels are often boring retreads, but not the Tupac-less New Orleans Juice (@ Egos $8, 8 p.m.), which resumes where the last one left off. Omar Epps is now earning street cred in the Bayou, when Andre 3000 makes him a liquor store robbery offer he can't refuse. Epps has to shoot his way to glory, while still maintaining his cute little image. Come to think of it, this movie sucks!
Young high-school band lovers are cute. Especially when one of the lovebirds is a real trumpet! Music Head (@ Velvet Room $5, 7:30 p.m.) You'll be in awww after watching this cute and fluffy hardcore porno.
Sarah Lee Guthrie and Johnny Irion (@ Gallivan Center, free, 7 p.m.) is the untold story of Hitler's dramatic faked death and his eventual rise to fame as Martha Stewart. The title might not make sense, and the box shows something completely different, but it's really about transgendered former Nazis. Trust us.
Finally, a Michael Moore documentary chronicling the sad life of a young scholar who must decide between pursuing being a doctor or dying in a frivolous war: College Night/ Dollar Drafts (@ Cabana Club). The scene where George Bush breaks into the young soldier's barracks and castrates him just to be mean seems a bit staged, but who are we to argue with the Michael Moore?
