At 24 years old, Monika Rodriguez realizes that truly chaste people are a rarity. "So many people in Utah try to validate [sexual behavior] by saying, ‘Yeah, we’ve done everything, but we haven’t had intercourse.’"
Rodriguez calls these people "everything but" people.
Some of these people attribute their behavior to the overwhelming feeling of guilt that a religious upbringing instills in them.
Tony Ostler, a senior majoring in public relations, experienced just that with a girl—a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints—before he got married. After weeks of rubbing and grinding, among other things, they finally moved on to intercourse.
"The following week she told her [LDS] bishop and said he wanted to interview me," Ostler recalls.
But after the girl’s "repentance," it didn’t take long for the two to get back to their pre-coital activities. "She said intercourse made her feel guilty."
Although her church and her parents would have considered what she was doing "illegal activity," she wasn’t going all the way and therefore reasoned that anything short of actual intercourse was OK.
Ostler holds no regrets toward his experience with this “everything but” girl.
But not everyone shares his understanding. "They’re kidding themselves. Oral sex is worse than sex," Rodriguez says. "They’re total hypocrites. I don’t think God is going to send anyone to hell for having sex or anything, but if you think God is against it, and you go into his house having done it, then that is bad."
Rodriguez feels that if someone is going to claim to be saving his or herself for marriage, then they should be saving everything.
Paige Meyer, a junior majoring in pharmacy, agrees that chastity is more than just avoiding the act that can lead to pregnancy. "You are playing with the same powers when you ‘fool around,’ despite not actually having intercourse," she says.
So if chastity isn’t just saving intercourse for marriage, then what exactly is it? Meyer offers her definition: "Chastity is about self-discipline and respect—respect for self and for a spouse. We give a part of ourselves that is unequal to anything else. Why casually give such a precious gift away?"
Giving away your virginity before marriage isn’t always such a "casual" act, though. Particularly when the recipient values the gift as much as you do.
A senior in mass communication, referred to here as “Sarah,” feels that it is important to only have sex with people you sincerely love.
She comes from a strong Catholic upbringing and, although her religion strictly opposes pre marital sex, Sarah is "100 percent happy" with her decision to have sex before marriage.
"Just because you have pre marital sex doesn’t mean you have had sex with 15 people. It could be one or two people who you were monogamous with who you truly thought you would marry," she says.
Sarah hasn’t allowed her religious background to dangle guilt over what she considers "responsible decision-making."
She says, "Sex is a good thing and shouldn’t be shamed. It is too often that people are taught to hide their sexuality and that if you have thoughts of sex before marriage you are immoral. Sex is a natural part of humanity and, although it is used as a form of reproduction, it is also a form of great pleasure."
So then what about those who have sex strictly for pleasure? Do they ever feel guilty, or is it simply a no-strings-attached principle? No emotions, no regret?
Meyer expresses her pity for the guiltless. "I feel great sorrow for people who use sex as recreation. Sex is the height of nonverbal communication. It requires commitment and dedication to make it so. Casual sex does not require commitment—just a condom. It is not a giving experience; it is focused on taking."
Ostler admits one occasion that he felt regret for his prior "taking." "To be honest, I only felt guilty about my sexual past the first time I made love to my wife,” he said. “Probably because she was a virgin at the time."
Emotional connection changed Ostler’s perspective regarding sex. "There is a different level of intimacy with someone you care for. It is the difference between a one-hit wonder and an album you can take on a road trip."
Ostler makes an interesting analogy because, yes, it is easy to individually enjoy either the rhythm, the beat, or the lyrics of a one-hit wonder, but it is not likely that you will just as easily recall the artist’s name. On the other hand, with an album you can take on a road trip, you would never dream of forgetting the artist’s name, the year it was released, and the title of every track.
As much as Rodriguez values her “road trip album,” otherwise known as her husband, the only thing she regrets about her old collection of “one-hit wonders” is the number of them.
Referring to her husband’s thoughts on her sexual past, Rodriguez says, "He’s OK with it because he’s had multiple partners too. Except one time he did tell me he wished there was something we could do that I’d never experienced before." When asked how that made her feel, she responds, "Good! We made up some things I had never experienced before."
She asserts that sex is a form of liberation for women. "It gives women power—one hundred percent power," she says. "Men generally think they have power over women, but when it comes to sex, women always have the upper hand because typically they’re not as dependent on sex as men are."
According to Rodriguez, women who practice safe sex freely are creating a balance of power among the sexes.
"Single women today are looking for sex, and I think that’s a good thing because women are entitled to anything men are, and it’s always been OK for men but not for women," she says.
While Ostler can appreciate the female emulation of traditional male sexual behavior, he says, "Women have a distinct female side to them that brings out the good in men. It is the male behavior that screws up everything. If women want to orgasm quick and go home like guys do, there would be no such thing as marriage."
If Ostler’s claim holds any truth, one can only conclude that, in essence, a chaste woman makes for a good marriage. But women’s abandonment of chastity seems to be very prevalent these days. The popularity of rejecting traditional values is rising, and with it the number of "white weddings" has decreased.
