Thank God for performance enhancing drugs. Well, actually, I don’t think it would be appropriate to thank God, but someone needs to be thanked for revitalizing American sports, right? That’s what I hear, anyway, that sports were in danger of folding before something saved them, and as far as I can see it’s been the drugs.
Just look at baseball. I mean, who was watching baseball in the ’80s? Well, I was-but I read somewhere that nobody was watching baseball in the ’80s, and then there was the strike of 1994. People were saying that the game was done for, that baseball had alienated its fan base.
Then, all of a sudden, there were steroids. Courageous players like McGwire, Bonds, Bagwell and Caminiti sacrificed themselves and began juicing for the good of the game. Thanks to them, the league has enjoyed unprecedented prosperity. The well-rounded ball player has given way to the ball pounding monster, and that’s been fun because it saved the game.
Football was saved by drugs, too. The game was speed-starved until ephedra and cocaine came along. Suddenly Lawrence Taylor was running from sideline to sideline, shattering limbs and tearing off helmets. He changed the way the game is played-anyone who knows anything about football will tell you that. In fact, he probably saved the game.
But who do we have to thank for the chemical enhancement of our favorite games? What stout hearted individual decided that he or she was going to do something about the deterioration of American sports? Well, this person is so modest that his or her name can’t be found, so I am forced to give the credit to the drugs themselves. The creators know who they are and should be proud, for without them, we would probably be without sports entirely.
Amphetamines, ephedra and cocaine are being used to increase speed, reaction time and awareness.
I would say we have several players to thank for this phenomenon. After trying the drugs in clubs, someone eventually came up with the idea of snorting them before games. Cowboys linebacker Hollywood Henderson may not have been the first, but he certainly popularized it, so let’s give him some credit for the speed of today’s game.
As for the size and strength in today’s game, many different types of hormones are used to build muscle, including human growth hormone (hGH) and human chorionic gonadotropin, (hCG) which is triggered by the developing fetus.
What genius thought to tap the fetus for performance enhancing drugs? Well, he or she can be added to our thank you list for sure.
And have you ever wondered how NFL players can have knee surgery and then play two weeks later? Well, fans, you can once again thank the person who began using hCG. This miracle drug acts like a steroid, repairing and rebuilding tissue at superhuman rates. And ladies, this drug can also be used to play a fun prank on your boyfriend because it is the same hormone that is detected by home pregnancy tests.
Yet another sporting savior is the person who came up with blood doping. By simply injecting someone else’s blood into their veins, athletes can increase their oxygen delivery levels, therefore increasing muscle endurance. America’s favorite cyclist, Lance Armstrong, was busted for blood doping earlier in his career. Is that how he burns everyone in the mountain stages of the Tour de France? The correct answer is: Who cares?! Right?
Other people who deserve an honorable mention are those responsible for the use of diuretics for weight loss, and for the use of protein hormones as pain killers.
But seriously, people, where would we be without the unheralded, under-appreciated scientists who are in charge of masking the use of all these drugs? I would go so far as to say that they have single-handedly re saved the game(s).
There was a great doctor somewhere who first suggested epitestosterone as a steroid cover up. Since most steroid tests measure the ratio of testosterone to epitestosterone, athletes can now balance out steroid injections with epitestosterone injections. What a savior!
Speaking of savior, if I can’t thank God for the drugs, I can at least thank him for the person who gave us secretion inhibitors. These amazing little blockers prevent foreign substances from ever leaving the kidneys and entering the urine, thus giving the athletes clean piss and a dirty conscience. They are instrumental in saving the game (at the expense of the kidneys, but who cares?)
So now that we’ve thanked everyone who has saved sports, I think it’s our duty as avid fans to further their cause any way we can. We can start by putting litigation in process to remove pesky drug bans. Baseball’s doing the right thing here by allowing the sport and the science to progress together, rather than at odds with one another.
There are so many improvements that aren’t being made just because they are illegal. Take these suggestions for example:
Tired of excessive personal fouls called in the NFL because ‘roid rage has players too hyped up? Simply balance the testosterone injection with an estrogen injection to calm the players down.
What about older players that can’t get up for the games anymore? A simple Viagra injection would solve their problems.
And to think that we have the technology but are just too afraid to use it. Imagine where we would be in 20 years if performance enhancing drugs were allowed to evolve at the pace of the rest of society. The results would be astounding.
So, dormant fans, I call you to action: Write to your congressmen, protest at games and, if you’re so inclined, start taking performance enhancers for your intramural and playground activities.
It’s clearly what has to be done if we’re going to continue to save the game.
