Student Body President Alex Lowe's ego exploded yesterday, killing one and injuring five others who stood nearby. The blast occurred shortly after a 1 p.m. lunch appointment with Dean of Students Stayner Landward, who told Lowe he wasn't "all that." Reports from the bomb squad indicate the explosion was long overdue. "This was one of the biggest egos I've seen in my 35 years of work," said Tom Garland, chief of the bomb squad. "We're really lucky that this one didn't go off when there were more people around." The explosion killed Lowe's loyal Vice President Bobby Harrington, who was among those comforting and complimenting Lowe after Landward made his statement. Five others suffered only minor injuries. "You don't know how hard it is to lose Bobby," Lowe said in tears. "He was exceptional at making me look good. Who am I going to poke fun of in front of others now?" Lowe's relationship with Harrington dates back to elementary school. There, the two incessantly practiced the option- a football play that gives the quarterback the option to pitch the ball to his halfback- in hopes of dominating the local flag football scene. "We usually would play a league below our own because it felt really good to win every game," Lowe said. "There was one year I rushed for probably, I don't know, 10,000 yards? Bobby was a pretty good decoy, but these legs of mine are really what got the j ob done." Lowe's co-workers said they will miss Harrington, but not Lowe's ego. "I'm thinking this means I won't have to get down on my knees and end every sentence with 'O thou most attractive, wise and not balding' whenever I offer a suggestion anymore," said Patrick Barnes, chief of staff for the Associated Students of the University of Utah. "Maybe Alex will start treating people like people instead of dogs. That's my hope, anyway," said Sara Hogan, senior class president. Lowe's parents, however, said they feared the loss of their son's ego could jeopardize his chances of getting into an Ivy League school like his brother before him. "I didn't give Alex all that campaign money for nothing. He had better get into Harvard at least, or some heads are going to roll," Lowe's fa ther said. Though Lowe will now have to function as president without the ego he had been building for years, he is c onfident he can adjust. "It's weird. I know I have an important position, but I don't have that urge to talk down to people anymore. It's as if they were my equals, my friends," he said. Funeral services for Harrington will be held April 3 in the Union Free Speech area following a 10 a.m. press conference Lowe organized to outline his administration's accomplishments. mkoo@chronic.utah.edu
Disclaimer: The above article is part The Chronicle's annual April Fool's Day issue. All events are fictional and plots are satirical...in other words, all of this is completely made up. So don't call your lawyers.
