Thanks to Attorney General Mark Shurtleff-and others who've pushed for firearms at the U for more than five years now-students will finally feel safe and free walking around the dangerous, despotic U campus.
Thanks are also in order for the Utah Supreme Court, whose fine use of time and taxpayer dollars will allow us to finally protect ourselves from the ruthless, bloodthirsty mountain lions that come out of the nearby canyons to murder unsuspecting U students during mating season. That's really starting to become a major problem.
Of course, our security is still in jeopardy until the case goes to district court, where they'll make sure the decision matches up with the federal rag. God, how I hate red tape. Hopefully they can get that crap over with soon so I can start enjoying the benefits of my new freedoms.
"Like what?" asks the traitorous liberal scum. Well, besides fending off those fearsome cougars, my gun would serve many other useful purposes at the U.
If I'm walking by the Sigma Epsilon house and I come across a deviant man engaging a young woman in debauchery, I can blast his ass back into more chivalrous times without asking questions. What do they call that? "Citizen's arrest" or something like that, right?
And, if by chance, I'd happen to meet a pretty little lady at the Union afterward and find trouble making conversation, she's sure to be impressed when she checks out the size of my fitty cal. I gotsta let 'em know that's how I roll, boy.
Most importantly, however, this new law will work wonders for my academic standing. The Salt Lake Tribune reports U.S. Chief Justice Christine Durham as saying "the university may not subject a student to academic discipline for flashing his pistol to a professor in class."
Fantastic! A's for everyone! Can you believe that was the dissenting opinion?
Unfortunately, University of Utah President (and commie sympathizer) Michael Young disagrees with the decision, and so the U will continue to persecute gun-wielding U students until the district court leads us into a glorious new era of resplendent liberty.
In the meantime, I'd like to encourage Utah citizens to fight other statewide institutions for the emancipation of our ammunition. Currently, churches, courts, prisons and airports can all still declare "gun-free," according to the Tribune's report. It's a tragic situation that requires action.
I challenge you, Utah citizen, to pop off a few in your pews. Make sure God hears your prayers. Drop by the penitentiary to see some old friends and do some pigeon hunting out in the yard. You should even bring your gun with you on a plane or two. As Hollywood's special effects have proven, it's far safer than a cobra. And if you do encounter a cobra-or a bloodthirsty mountain lion-you will be equipped to deal with the situation.
You might be subjected to some rough treatment by local officials-no matter how civil your armed demonstrations may be-but you can take comfort in knowing that there are lawmakers in this great state who've made it their first priority-over education, crime, economic development, the environment and the nation's highest rate of bankruptcy-to free up more places for you to pack heat.
Sound like something you support? I'm glad. Now get on the floor while I rob this moth-a.
