Tuesday will be Utah's time to shine with its own primary. But with so many presidential candidates in this year's election, how is a Utah voter to decide? Perhaps you can't tell the difference between John Edwards (dropped out), John McCain (still in) and John Tesh (crappy musician). Maybe you think Hillary Clinton is shrill, Mitt Romney is wishy-washy and Mike Huckabee is just plain crazy. How are you to know for sure, though, just how shrill, wishy-washy or crazy they might be?
For that reason, we've put together Nick and Ryan's Non-Annual Guide to the Presidential Candidates™. Learn about the candidates, learn about their issues and, most importantly, learn whether they prefer Ginger, MaryAnn or Mary Hart (that's two "Entertainment Tonight" jokes in one column! Zing!).
Although we might know next to nothing about the presidential candidates, we dutifully and American-ly pass on that lack of knowledge to you, in no particular order.
Except maybe alphabetical. Now go vote.
Barack Obama
Campaign slogan: "Hope is full of what it should be by changing the motivations of history."
Political party: Democrat
Hometown: Chicago
Previous career: U.S. senator from Illinois, former teenager
Religion: United Church of Christ
Stance on Iraq War: Believes that we can effect the change required to move this society in a positive direction by raising the dialogue with those who would wish to destroy our dreams and, consequently, slow down the motivations of an inspired people.
Stance on economy: Says that the only people who can effectively achieve change are those who put their hope into the machinations of the ambitious population who has the audacity to dream of a newer tomorrow.
Stance on illegal immigration: Desires that all men and women wish for the progress of the transfiguration by the company of the future that is representative of anticipation of the positive yearnings. Change.
Favorite movie: Anything full of hope and optimism. Also fond of "Rocky IV."
Hillary Clinton
Campaign slogan: "First female president of the United States, first queen of the United States. Same difference."
Full name: Hillary Billary Rodham Clinton
Political party: Democrat
Hometown: Chicago; Hope, Ark.; Washington, D.C.; New York; Belly of the Beast, Hell.
Previous career: U.S. senator from New York, first lady, blood-sucking lawyer
Religion: How ironic that fill-in-the-blank is your religion, because that's her religion as well!
Stance on Iraq War: Hillary once said, "I would have never asked for authority to divert our attention from Afghanistan to Iraq." That's nice. It didn't stop her from voting for the invasion in 2002. Now, riding the political two-seater bicycle, she and Bill are back-pedaling against the surge and plan to have a phased withdrawal within 60 days of taking office, with most troops out by 2013.
Stance on economy: She wants to put jumper cables on the heart of the economy. That means $30 billion toward mounting foreclosures, $25 billion for heating grants (so the poor don't have to burn walls to keep their houses warm) and $5 billion toward "green-collar, environmentally friendly work." Here, she is looking for votes from the stupid, the poor and the pot-smokers.
Stance on health care: Everyone and everything will have health care. If you hear a snail cracking on the sidewalk, please exchange insurance cards.
"While I will be requiring all Americans to have health care," Clinton said, "I will be calling on employers to do their part as well." Whether it's the people or their employers, someone will pay off the health care companies that contributed to her campaign.
Stance on illegal immigration: Being the compassionate liberal she is, she voted for a fence along the Mexican border. Because, as we all know, Mexicans can't climb fences.
"It is unconscionable to think that in a post-Sept. 11 world we do not know precisely who is entering and exiting our country," she said in a statement.
For Bill's Latin maids and other low-wage immigrants, she wants fines paid, English lessons and a line for legal status.
Favorite song: "Cry Me a River" by Justin Timberlake
Favorite Ben & Jerry's flavor: Rum Polar-Raisin.
John McCain
Campaign slogan: "Where am I? Who are you?"
Full name: John Sidney Dr. Evil McCain III
Political party: Republican
Hometown: Phoenix
Previous career: U.S. senator from Arizona, lifelong prisoner of war
Religion: Believes in evolution. Also remembers when it started.
Stance on Iraq War: McCain voted in 2002 to authorize invasion and is still supportive of the war. Yes, even after finding out the WMDs were a lie, he had one of those grandpa moments and forgot all about it! He also loves the surge. If McCain had his way, we would all use our frequent flyer miles and head to Iraq to fight wars and build golf courses.
Stance on economy: McCain believes in a short-term plan. He calls the middle-class tax cuts the "right stimulus." He also would like to make Bush's tax cuts permanent and will pay for that by a complete overhaul of Social Security and Medicare. After all, the more old and poor people who die, the less the economy is drained.
Stance on health care: He is for free-market, consumer-based care, but is sure that health care will be affordable without raising taxes or giving employers tax cuts for assisting their employees. He most likely plans to pay for this with green fees from new golf courses in Iraq and the goodwill of capitalistic health care companies.
Favorite Song: "Barbara Ann" (or "Bomb Iran") by The Beach Boys
Mike Huckabee
Campaign slogan: "I promise to separate church and state -- with the Bible."
Full name: Crazy Mike Dale Huckabee.
Political party: Republican.
Hometown: Hope, Ark.
Previous career: lieutenant governor of Arkansas, governor of Arkansas, nutso Baptist preacher, fat guy
Religion: Baptist, to the third power
Stance on Iraq War: "We need to understand that this is World War III," Huckabee said. "Unlike any other world war we've ever fought, this one is one we cannot afford to lose." Because we would have gotten along just fine if we had lost to the Nazis.
He is for the war, tentative against the surge, and has no timetable on withdrawal. "It's like a baseball game, not a football game," he said. "You can't put it on a specific clock." Yes, all major decisions should be solved with sports analogies.
Stance on economy: He might be cuckoo, but he's got his now-skinny fingers on the pulse of America's poor. He wants to not only cut taxes, but he believes in a "fair tax," a 23 percent national sales tax on everything except education. Someone should give a calculator to Paul Allen, whose yacht cost him $52.5 million.
Stance on health care: See John McCain. Aren't all Republicans for free-market, consumer-based care? The answer is yes.
"I advocate policies that will encourage the private sector to seek innovative ways to bring down costs and improve the free market for health care services," he said. Good thing health care companies are not concerned with profits. Oh, wait...
Favorite Huckabee quotes: "It is difficult to understand the public policy toward AIDS. It is the first time in the history of civilization in which the carriers of a genuine plague have not been isolated from the general population."
"Sometimes we talk about why we're importing so many people in our workforce. It might be that for the last 35 years, we have aborted more than a million people who would have been in our workforce had we not had the holocaust of liberalized abortion under a flawed Supreme Court ruling in 1973."
(Yes, he said that those with AIDS should be quarantined. Yes, he said that aborted children would have been low-wage workers.)
Huckabee word to the wise: Do you really want the ruler of the free nation to be President Huckabee? Will "Hail to the Chief" be played by a jug band?
Mitt Romney
Campaign slogan: "I'm running for president, not Mr. Congeniality. But I'm also running for Mr. Congeniality."
Political party: Republican
Hometown: Bloomfield Hills, Mich.; Boston
Previous career: Governor of Massachusetts, co-founder of Bain Capital, CEO of 2002 Winter Olympics
Religion: Prefers not to talk about it, but he's just like you. Oh, and he's Mormon -- a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
Stance on illegal immigration: Supports a national database for noncitizens, to reduce illegal immigration. Not applicable to those who cut lawn for former governors of Massachusetts.
Stance on economy: He gets frustrated when people say there are two Americas, and not only because he's worth $250 million more than you.
Stance on health care: Believes in health care for everyone. As long as they live in Massachusetts. And then we'll never talk about it ever, ever again.
Endorsements: Donny Osmond, the Mormon half of Christina Aguilera, Utah
Favorite singer: His pollsters say Elvis.
Ron Paul
Campaign slogan: "Google me. I put the 'Love' in revolution. You know, if people spelled it backward for some reason."
Political party: Republican
Hometown: Lake Jackson, Texas
Previous career: Physician, congressman, leader of the Ron Paul revolution
Religion: Baptist
Stance on Iraq War: Favors withdrawing from Iraq, as well as general non-interventionism in regards to foreign nations. I apologize, Ron Paul supporters, if that's incorrect.
Stance on economy: Believes in abolishing the federal income tax and opposes the Federal Reserve. Please don't send me angry e-mails, supporters of Ron Paul. I realize some of this information isn't accurate as I just copied it from Wikipedia.
Stance on health care: Supports the conversion by the United States to a free-market health care system. I'm sorry, Ron Paul followers, if that's also wrong, I don't mean to make you angry. True, I know you're always angry, but please don't shout at me as I drive by.
Primaries won: Winner of the MySpace Presidential Primary. He also had a blimp. Don't worry, Ron Paul supporters, I haven't forgotten about the blimp. I'm sorry for mocking your candidate.
Endorsements: Ron Paul is the best candidate ever. Please don't hurt me, Ron Paul revolutionaries. I really don't want to wake up in a ditch with the words "Google Ron Paul" scratched into my bloodied chest.
Favorite book: I strongly believe that I will die at the hands of a Ron Paul supporter.
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